There is a huge misconception out there on what a Dominant really is, and we want to clear the air for those of you who are skeptical about this lifestyle or simply not educated about the topic. Ignorance rules the world. Don't be ignorant! But what is a "real" Dominant? Many people claim the title, but don't come close to having the characteristic traits or understanding of what a Dominant really is. This section is completely based on guidelines we live by to create a very healthy D/s dynamic.
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Being a Dominant is many things, but controlling and abusive, are not. There is no hunger for power with a Dominant. There is no need to feel overly possessive of your submissive partner. A Dominant never uses his strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. By definition, that is a "bully".
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A Dominant, however, is a safe place, a confidante, a lover, a gentleman, a protector, a nurturer, an unselfish individual, and a trustworthy person. A Dominant exhibits self control at all times, and is always attentive. There is an even exchange of power between a Dominant and his submissive partner. Being Dominant is about control of yourself and situations. That does not mean you get to do what you want without consideration of anyone else, it's about having so much consideration and respect that you deserve submission; you are trustworthy.
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Remember, during a scene, your submissive partner is in his/her most vulnerable state and is depending on you to keep him/her safe. Always be attentive; always be a safe place.
What is a Dominant?
What is a Submissive?
There’s a common misconception we hear about submissives from people who are curious about BDSM/KINK, and that’s that people who identify as submissive are weak, and that it’s somehow “better” to be a Dominant. When you look up the word “submissive” in a thesaurus you'll find words such as, weak, passive, meek, and docile. We are here to argue that submissives are not these things, in fact, they are the opposite of weak and docile people.
But are there weak people who tend to be submissives? Yes. There are weak people who crop up in every walk of life, but the reality is, it takes great courage to live any “alternative” lifestyle, or even to embrace your own nature in a world that tells you every day that it is not OK to be yourself!
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Submissives are very in touch with what they want and know what they are. Submissives are confident, forthright, and with each step they take, they embrace the next challenge along the path to expressing their identity.
Keep in mind, someone who is submissive in one area of life may be quite dominant in another, and used to making hard decisions. They may simply want a break from decision making and may crave a release from the pressures of the world. Submission itself is a decision, a choice to trust someone else which requires all kinds of courage, and the strength to follow through.
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We've heard, "submissives are weak because they bend to someone else's will". First of all, somebody who imposes over someone else in a way that truly defies consent is an abuser, not a real Dominant, and not a strong or willful person. Somebody who bends to oppression isn’t a submissive, but rather someone who lacks self-respect or courage. Submissives do not cower under abusers; they align their own will with the will of a Dominant they respect and trust. It takes strength of character to recognize someone who deserves service and to render it.
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Submission is a gift. With very serious submissives, it is earned, not freely given. Submissives are not weak, passive, bendable people. There is nothing about being a submissive that demands weakness, and actually, like any alternative lifestyle in a culture that is pretty closed off, it practically demands strength.
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So, in closing, however you choose to express your nature, all that matters is that you bring out the best in yourself. If you fall somewhere on the submissive spectrum, be the best submissive you can be. If you fall somewhere on the Dominant spectrum, be the best Dominant you can be. As long as you choose to be yourself and uphold your integrity, you aren’t weak, unimportant, or inferior in any way … you are magnificent.
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While interacting in BDSM play, it is important that both partners are conducting themselves in a SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL manner. Here are some safety tips and areas to avoid when engaging in play.
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Sciatic Nerve - the sciatic nerves are the longest nerves in your body; they start in your lower back and run through the buttocks, then down your legs. Compression or irritation can cause sciatica which can involve pain, numbness, muscular weakness, and difficulty controlling or moving your leg/s. Use extreme caution when binding or striking these areas.
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Kidneys - located at the back of your abdominal wall, near the twelfth rib, and an inch from either side of your spine. The area immediately below the rib cage are vulnerable to trauma from impact. It’s best not to hit this area otherwise serious damage could result.
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Tailbone - it’s best to aim for the middle of the buttocks; do not aim any higher or strike any higher because you could damage the sacrum. It is very fragile and can snap very easily, resulting in extreme pain. Avoid this area with paddles, whips/floggers, canes, and hands.
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Spine - your spine protects your spinal cord. DO NOT apply any but the lightest flogging to the spine. While its most impossible to completely avoid this area, don’t aim for it.
All participating parties must understand and consent to the risks he or she is taking when engaging in any form of BDSM play.
SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL
Areas to Avoid, Play Safe
Subspace
an altered psychological state that a submissive or bottom enters during a scene, much like this one. It is a response of the sympathetic nervous system, which causes a release of endorphins and epinephrine from the adrenal glands. It is an all natural, completely organic drug, that only your body can produce. Subspace is leaving the boundaries of your mind. It is a very therapeutic and magical undertaking to witness and experience.
Aftercare
What is Aftercare?
Aftercare is the period of time after a scene in which partners attend to one another's physical, emotional, and psychological needs. Typically, the Dominant in the scene will be the one caring for the submissive partner. BDSM scenes are often very intense, and can often be emotionally and psychologically draining.
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Aftercare is also about emotional healing and reconnection after a scene. During the period of aftercare, partners will often chat, snuggle, and discuss the scene and how you both felt about it. The Dominant will often praise their submissive partner and reaffirm their importance. Aftercare is a very individual experience and some submissives may prefer to take this time to be alone and tend to their own needs.
Our fantasies don’t necessarily correlate with who we are in our regular, day-to-day lives. While we may want our partner to dress as a demanding authoritarian who exacts humiliating punishments on us during kinky play, that’s not how we want them to treat us during the normal course of our relationship. Aftercare functions as a ‘recalibration’ for the normalcy of your relationship.
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There can be a physical toll as well. Many people compare the sensation of coming down from Subspace as being similar to sensations felt after an intense athletic performance. The rush of endorphins coupled with potential physical exertion can leave you feeling weak, fatigued, or dazed, and you may be slightly dehydrated depending on the intensity of the scene.
In Closing
There is no one way to provide or receive aftercare. The only real guideline is to be open, accepting, and attentive to the emotional and physical needs of your partner, while also making sure that your own needs are met as well.
It Is Freedom
It is feeling 100% safe. It is a moment of pure bliss. Your mind goes to sleep, those worries are gone, those stresses no longer exist. The pain you feel will no longer be. Your emotions leave you, and your soul smiles. It is Subspace, and it is freedom like no other. While you are bound by body; your mind, soul, and heart are flying free.
